By Tracie Abram, Michigan State University Extension
Are you about to send your last child to college, the military or into the work field? How is this soon-to-be separation affecting you? Do you have friends or co-workers that will be empty-nesters or have entered this phase who seem to be managing better or are more emotionally calm?
When a child leaves the house in search of independence, it can be an emotional time for all involved. To make this transition easier, it may help to focus on the positives and what you will gain and practice equanimity.
In the book, Buddha’s Brain–The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom by Rick Hanson, PH.D. and Richard Mendius, MD they describe that the human mind defaults to negative emotions and suffering, but with practice, you can re-wire the brain to develop equanimity. The word equanimity comes from the Latin roots meaning “even” and “mind”. The definition of equanimity is mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.
In a sense, equanimity is your brains circuit breaker. It breaks the chain of suffering by separating the feeling tones of experience from the machinery of craving, neutralizing your reactions to those feeling tones. The authors also state that psychologists have a term they call “demand characteristics” for the aspects of situations that really pull at you. With equanimity, situations have only characteristics, not demands. When you have equanimity, you do not grasp after enjoyable experiences or push against undesirable ones, you have space, or a buffer zone, between you and your feeling zones and are able to not react impulsively.
How do you train your brain to not react but to maintain calm? In the book there are five stages to developing the factors of equanimity:
- Understanding–Develop an ability to recognize that rewards and painful experiences are transient, meaning both do not last that long or are that awful. Life is a continuum of change and that most of the factors that shape the future are out of your hands.
- Intention–Keep reminding yourself of the important reasons for equanimity, you want more freedom from craving and suffering it brings.
- Steadiness of Mind–Pay particular attention to the neutral feeling zone. Through sensitizing yourself to the neutral aspects of experiences, your mind will become more comfortable staying with them, and less inclined to seek rewards or scan for threats.
- Spacious Awareness–The space of awareness allows every content of the mind to be or not to be, to come and to go. Thoughts are just thoughts, sounds are just sounds, situations are just situations and people are just being themselves.
- Tranquility–Do not act based on the feeling tone. Set aside a period every day, even just a minute long to start with then increase or extend that time, to consciously release preferences for or against anything. Your actions will be guided more by your values and virtues rather than your desires that are reactions to positive or negative feeling tones.
In closing, Buddhism has a metaphor for the different conditions in life. They are called the Eight Worldly Winds:
- Pleasure and pain
- Praise and blame
- Gain and loss
- Fame and ill repute
As you gain equanimity, these winds have less effect on your mind. When managing the emotions of separation, think of the gains your child is striving for rather than the loss to you. Michigan State University Extension offers social-emotional health development programming throughout the state that are designed to help participants navigate feelings and stress. Peruse their website to find a Stress Less with Mindfulness or RELAX: Alternatives to Anger series event in your county.
