A grieving mother gives voice to her daughter’s pain
By Deborah Reed
WKTV Managing Editor
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains sensitive information about depression and suicide that may be distressing or traumatic for some individuals.
At approximately 3 a.m. on March 10, 2015, 28-year-old Jessica Diane Gregory silently ended the internal pain she fought to free herself from most of her life.
Jessica’s mother, Wyoming resident Julie Gregory, prefers to focus on Jessica and her struggles versus the act of suicide when talking about her daughter’s death.
“I lost my daughter to depression, bullying and bipolar disorder,” said Gregory when talking with WKTV Journal.
Mental illness does not discriminate
Jessica had a family who loved her, was in the top 20 in her high school class of 2004, participated in sideline cheer and the competitive cheer team, ran track and had amazing friends.
Despite all of these things, Jessica was hounded by a darkness that led to physically harming herself and a suicide attempt in high school. Jessica’s internal struggle eventually spiraled into a loss of all hope.
Excerpts from Jessica’s journal and various other writings reveal the internal pain she battled daily:
Several pages of Jessica’s journal contained detailed plans of how she could end her life.
“I’m not ashamed or scared to talk about suicide or how my daughter ended her pain,” said Gregory. “We need to end the stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness. Redefine the way people talk about suicide and the way we think about suicide, and look at it as an effect of an illness.
“Why is it that the brain is the only organ in your body that will get judged for being ill?”
Gregory went on to say that those who die by suicide have lost a battle with a disease.
“They couldn’t hold on any longer,” said Gregory. “I feel it’s our job to help them hold on. Mental illness is treatable.”
‘I’m sorry, Mom. I love you.’
The last time Gregory saw her daughter alive was like a hundred others. There was nothing to indicate Jessica planned to end her life that night.
After having dinner with her family, Jessica and Gregory finished a jigsaw puzzle and began another.
Gregory had no idea Jessica purchased a handgun nine hours earlier.
At approximately 10:30 p.m., Jessica helped her mother put the puzzle table away and went home to her apartment.
After writing one last letter to her mother in pink marker – her favorite color – Jessica silently ended the pain she battled daily.
Before you ask…educate yourself
Gregory said one of the hardest questions people ask her is: “How did she do it?” Gregory’s palms turned toward the ceiling, shrugging in disbelief and saying, “Does it matter?”
What matters to Gregory is that her daughter is gone forever.
Another question Greogry repeatedly faces is, “Why didn’t you get her help?”
“We did get her help,” Gregory said vehemently. “She did go to the doctor, she was on meds, she went to therapy. She had a psychiatrist, she had a counselor, she had all these people. She had a team of people.
“You can put a mask on and show people what you want them to see,” Gregory continued. “It’s not always easy to see.”
Dr. Valencia Agnew of Adolescent and Family Behavioral Services agrees.
“Even when parents, and people in general, have noticed a lot of signs, it is also possible to miss signs,” said Agnew.
When Gregory went back and looked at specific dates in Jessica’s journal, she was stunned at how well Jessica hid her true emotions.
After one particular journal entry that conveyed Jessica’s wish to die, Gregory looked back at Facebook pictures, realizing it was the same day the family attended a birthday party. All pictures from that day portrayed Jessica as happy.
Gregory thought to herself, “She was happy. That was the mask she wore. And she was thinking all day about how she could die?”
Selfishness vs. Mentally Ill
Gregory shares her daughter’s struggle because she wants others to understand that the thought process of a mentally ill person is not normal.
“I am simply showing people how the mind of my mentally ill daughter was thinking,” said Gregory. “She wasn’t looking to hurt anyone. She was ending her pain and what she thought was a life that couldn’t get better.”
Suicide is not selfish, Greogry continued. “Suicide is a desperate way to end pain, physical or mental. It is a hopelessness that things will never get better. It is a feeling that family or friends will be better off without them.
“Those who are suffering don’t want to end their lives, they want to end their pain.”
Gregory also hopes to end usage of the term “committed suicide.”
“In 1964, it was a law that it was illegal to commit suicide – but they didn’t know anything about it,” said Gregory. “Now that we know more, we can talk more about it and we don’t have to use those ‘committed’ words.”
“We say ‘died by suicide,’” Gregory continued. “Instead of focusing on the act, we focus on the person and what was going on.”
Picking up the Pieces
Gregory and her family faced a lot of “firsts” as they learned to maneuver life without Jessica. Gregory credits their faith in God and having each other to lean on as the key to their survival.
The grieving mother’s main focus after losing Jessica was making sure her son, younger than Jes by 14 years, was okay. That everyone around her was okay.
And that included other people who found themselves enduring the loss of a loved one.
“I had hundreds of people send me messages,” said Gregory, adding that she welcomes those messages. “People can come to me.”
Gregory is a vocal advocate for the Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan’s be nice. program. She encourages schools and organizations to take part in the program, take action, and save lives.
However, for Gregory, personal comfort and healing comes in the form of helping those enduring the aftermath of loss. She does this through the i understand love heals program.
“For me, helping people pick themselves up after – it just hit home.”
Grieving and healing
“I didn’t have time to grieve, and I still won’t take that time to feel sorry [for myself], because I need to be 100% to help all these other people,” said Gregory.
While Gregory admits that is not the healthiest approach, she has no plans to stop being that voice for Jessica and a source of hope for those grieving.
“Just to know that I’ve helped others is healing to me, and so I don’t know any other way to grieve,” Gregory said. “I grieve sitting at that big table and having new people come to the group that literally just lost their family member two weeks ago.
“And I feel their pain, and I will grieve for that family and those lost, and for Jessica.”
A voice for Jessica
Gregory proclaims herself to be an open book, refusing to hide that her daughter ended her own life.
Instead, two years after Jessica’s death, Gregory chose to open both her own life and Jessica’s to scrutiny and possible ridicule in the hopes that even one person would see – and choose – hope.
Picking Up the Pieces is a blog that unveils Jessica’s journey, her internal pain, bullying she experienced at her job, and the aftermath Gregory endures daily since finding Jessica in her apartment nine years ago.
Gregory does not hold back, laying bare the pain and darkness – and emphasizing the glimmer of hope she knows is always present, even if not always noticed.
Though Gregory has been pushed out of her comfort zone countless times over the last several years, she embraces each challenge so she can share Jessica’s story and be that voice for her daughter.
“If I reach just one person, letting them know they aren’t alone, it is worth sharing,” said Gregory. “Or, maybe someone reading these pages who doesn’t have a mental illness will be enlightened by what is in someone’s mind that does.”
#ThereIsAlwaysHope
Jessica applied for a new job before she took her life. A job at a hospital where she could help others and could carry out her personal life mission. Multiple interviews and a job shadow followed.
The darkness Jessica fought against, however, overwhelmed her before she heard their decision.
“The day after Jessica’s suicide, there was a message left on her cell phone voicemail,” said Gregory. “It was a message from the hospital she had applied at.
“She received that call one day late…”
The timing of that voicemail is something Gregory encourages all who struggle to contemplate.
“There is always hope,” said Gregory. “No matter how bad today can be, things will get better. You can’t leave today, because tomorrow everything could change.
“Life is all hills and valleys, and for every valley that you’re in, those hills are going to be amazing.”
Monica Ruiz, in a personal place of mental health recovery for the past few years, echoes that message.
“I do believe that all suffering is temporary,” said Ruiz, adding that there will be moments of relief even in the lowest times. “So please hold on. There is help. It gets better.”
A radical resolve
Gregory’s resolve to eradicate stigma and live with hope is evident in each word of Picking Up the Pieces.
“I am determined to be more than just a survivor,” said Gregory on her blog. “I am determined to find the silver lining, I am determined to see my glass as half full, I am determined to keep talking about mental illness and the side effects that ‘Pain’ can cause some people.
“I am determined to help change the definition of suicide.”
Eradicating stigma
“The stigma needs to be lifted about mental struggles,” said Gregory. “We need to talk about it, out in the open, and not treat it like a dirty secret – those days are past. We need to continue this conversation.”
Help stomp out stigma surrounding mental illness by joining the free annual be nice. Stomp Out Stigma 5K Walk event in May each year.
The be nice. program and action plan (notice, invite, challenge, empower) educates students, staff, and community members about mental illnesses and encourages them to exchange stereotypes for understanding, compassion and acceptance.
Resources
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is a free, 24/7 service that offers confidential support, information and local resources.
You can also text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line: 741741, or text “nice” to the Crisis Text Line: 741741 to be connected with a be nice. crisis counselor.
Search for local treatment in your area: Local Resources.
Support for LGBTQ youth: The Trevor Project.
*Find more Mental Health: Rewriting the Narrative resources by clicking here.
