By Deborah Reed
WKTV Managing Editor
Various changes take place as we age, many of them unwanted.
“Things happen to you [during aging], and they don’t happen on your terms,” says Rev. Howard C. Earle Jr., Chaplain and Director of Spiritual Care for Beacon Hill at Eastgate. “As we age, things start to happen – whether we want them to or not.”
For some, holiday celebrations are a time when family members measure the decline in mental and physical health of elderly parents or grandparents. That decline often leads to tough conversations such as: “Dad, it’s time to stop driving – for your safety and others” or “Mom, we don’t need you to host Christmas this year – come to dinner at our house and just enjoy.”
Though these well-intentioned conversations come from a place of caring, Earle says the elderly often do not hear it that way.
Nobody asked me…
Whether our bodies begin to break down and fail, our life partner dies, we slip and fall, or we simply can’t care for ourselves any longer, these changes are out of our control and often frustrating because they can mean having our independence abruptly taken away.
“There was no real outlet where there could be some real transparency and sense of community to process what [the elderly] feel,” says Earle.
Seeing the need for such an outlet, Earle began an ongoing weekly discussion series titled “Nobody Asked Me.”
“We created this space where we could be totally honest about what we feel as we enter into these phases and seasons of life,” says Earle.
For the past two years, Earle has led various discussions on aging each Tuesday morning at 9:30 a.m. Residents talk through their feelings about changes that happen with aging, and feature topics such as health, grief, technology, activities…and holidays.
As we enter the holiday season, Earle is also conducting a special holiday series called Hope for the Holidays. “It’s the same concept,” says Earle. “It’s about processing what they feel regarding anything concerning life.”
Earle leads the discussion with “Nobody asked me…” and then follows it up with an issue such as “…if I wanted to give up my keys.” The discussion then revolves around all things connected to that experience.
A resonating resource
Earle says the weekly discussions are one piece of Beacon Hill programming that has resonated with all residents and become a valuable resource.
Though Earle is a chaplain, he says Nobody Asked Me discussions are not faith-based, intentionally generating conversation from a life perspective.
“It doesn’t matter what your religion is, you get old,” says Earle. “Everybody gets old, and everybody feels some kind of way about getting old.”
Think before speaking
When asked what advice he would give to younger generations as they prepare for family celebrations, Earle says to be patient, intentional and considerate.
“Senior adults need to know that they still matter,” says Earle. “Be intentionally affirming but also be sensitive.”
Earle cautions against generalizing the elderly by labeling them mean or grumpy. Instead, be mindful of what it might feel like to not see or hear well, making it difficult to feel part of the surrounding conversations and festivities.
“Be as thoughtful as you can…and try to be open to what some of these realities are.”
Live life on your terms
Each week, Earle reminds residents that they are alive – and encourages them to live life on their own terms by taking advantage of opportunities such as exploring, investing in new relationships and learning new things.
“Rather than thinking of senior living as waiting until you die, think of it as living until you do,” says Earle. “You get to decide what living will look like.
“Living is going to look different for every person, but some things are going to be fundamental: remain relational, stay engaged, don’t isolate, don’t withdraw, have fun, laugh, learn. Those are things that I believe enrich life and make life worth living.”
