Many parents are already considering what they need to do to prepare their children for the new school year. While what they will wear and do after school is essential, ensuring they know what to do about back-to-school bullies should be at the top of every parent’s priority list.
Bullies will head back to school as well, and they will be ready to start picking on kids from day one.
“Summer is a great time to get kids ready for the new school year, including with how to win against bullies,” says Kirk Smalley, co-founder of Stand for the Silent. “Addressing it now will ensure the school year will be smooth and bully-free.”
It is important to raise awareness now
Help reduce bullying incidents by raising awareness now (Courtesy photo)
Smalley and his wife, Laura, started Stand for the Silent following their 11-year-old son ending his own life due to bullying. They turned their pain and loss into a mission of helping others.
Smalley travels the country giving presentations at schools about bullying, providing bullying prevention, giving out scholarships, offering intervention strategies and more.
Over the summer, parents can do a lot to raise awareness about bullying in their home and community. Making it a priority may help reduce the incidents of bullying in school and in the community. Proactive communities can make people more aware of the issue, which can help reduce incidents.
According to the National Institutes of Health, a few risk factors may make people more vulnerable to being bullied. These include a kid being seen as different from their peers, being seen as weak or unable to defend themselves, having low self-esteem, being less popular, not socializing well with others, and suffering from disabilities.
Tips for preparing kids now for back-to-school bullies:
Discuss bullying now. Discuss bullying, including what it is and what to do about it. Talk about the different types of bullying, how to address it, and what to do if they see someone else being bullied.
Role-play. Act out some bullying scenes with the kids so they can practice responding to them. This will help put them more at ease if the real situation ever comes up.
Get others involved. Parents can start anti-bullying groups now, which will get more kids involved in helping to keep bullying out of the school. Kids can get together to discuss the issue and ways to respond.
Contact the school. Most schools have staff working over the summer. Contact the child’s school to inquire about having an anti-bullying campaign kick off when school starts. Help them bring in a speaker, such as Stand for the Silent, and get together a group of kids for the anti-bullying task force.
Teach self-defense. It’s never a good idea to encourage your child to fight, but there are some self-defense moves that they can learn to protect themselves should it get physical. Bullies tend to pick on those they feel won’t stand up for themselves. Teach kids self-defense over the summer, such as enrolling them in karate. When kids are confident, they are more likely to stand up to a bully, and then the bully loses interest in that person.
Launching Student Stand Out
“This school year, we are going to be rewarding students who help with anti-bullying at their school,” added Smalley. “We want to encourage students to set the example and help create a kinder, more accepting school atmosphere.”
Students will be rewarded for their kindness and efforts to end bullying (Courtesy, pxhere.com)
Stand for the Silent is launching a program called Student Stand Out. Teachers can nominate students who they feel stand out by being kind, addressing bullying, being a positive role model, having good leadership, having respect and integrity, and demonstrating actions that show initiative to end bullying at the school.
Each week through the school year, one nominee will be chosen to receive a $50 Visa gift card. At the end of each semester, one person will be selected to win a $100 gift card. The nomination period runs from Aug. 1 to Dec. 1 and Jan. 1 to April 1.
For more information about the program, click here.
How you can help prevent bullying
Stand for the Silent travels the country, providing seminars and talks for communities and schools. They also offer materials online to help people with bullying issues. Each year, they give scholarships to students who help address bullying at their schools.
Bullied teens are more likely to develop mental health problems—and people with mental health problems are also more likely to become bullies, researchers report.
Even though many studies have shown that being bullied can leave mental scars, “no studies to date” have tested the notion that mental health issues might also help drive bullying, explained study author Marine Azevedo Da Silva. She’s a postdoctoral researcher in Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, in New York City.
For the study, the researchers analyzed data from 13,200 U.S. youth, aged 12 to 17, and found that:
79% said they’d never bullied others
11% said they’d bullied others over a year ago
10% said they’d bullied others in the past year
16% said they’d bullied others over a month ago
5% said they’d bullied others in the past month
Youth who said they’d been bullies were more likely to have a moderate to high rate of mental health problems than those who said they hadn’t bullied others.
The study also found that teens with moderate to high rates of mental health problems were more likely to bully others, compared to those without such issues.
In other words, the link between mental health issues and bullying “is likely to be bidirectional,” Azevedo Da Silva said in a school news release.
According to study senior author Dr. Silvia Martins, the findings suggest that efforts to stem bullying “should consider how to take into account and handle negative feelings and mental health problems” of young perpetrators.
Martins directs the Substance Abuse Epidemiology Unit at Mailman.
It’s estimated that between 18% and 31% of U.S. youth are involved in bullying, the researchers noted.
The study was published recently in the Journal of Adolescent Health.
Most parents don’t want to think that their own parenting practices are contributing to issues of bullying in the lives of their kids. In her book Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear, author Carrie Goldman draws from the work of several scholars and shares information on parenting practices that can help prevent bullying – as well as those that can actually foster bullying behaviors.
Goldman cautions parents to be mindful of the ways that they may inadvertently put pressure on their children to be “popular” or to be liked by other kids, which can put kids at risk for being involved with bullying.
For example, if we have a habit of judging others (or ourselves) based on appearance (saying for example, “She has put on so much weight and is getting really fat!”), we model for children that being disrespectful and judging others based on their appearance is okay. One of the reasons this is so critical is that children in one comprehensive study said that physical appearance is the number one reason kids get bullied or called names.
Children take in verbal and non-verbal messages (for good or for ill) from their parents and other adults around them. These messages too often make young people feel pressured to “fit in” in ways that are not healthy to their overall identities around physical appearance, gender, skin color, sexuality and other aspects of themselves. Feeling pressured to fit in at all costs can lead youth (and adults) to participate in unhealthy relationships – or go along with the crowd in the face of hurtful, mean-spirited behaviors.
When kids are the target of bullying behaviors, they may feel shame, assume it’s their fault, blame themselves or internalize the damaging messages. Parents, families and adults in kids’ lives have important roles to play in helping kids develop resiliency by understanding the difference between fitting in and belonging.
Another way parents can foster resilient kids in the face of bullying is to practice what researcher and educator, Brené Brown calls “wholehearted parenting.” Dr. Brown’s research on shame, vulnerability and courage illuminates several ways that parents can engage in wholehearted parenting with a focus on raising children who move through the world with courage and resiliency in the face of bullying and other challenging situations.
Goldman encourages parents to take issues of bullying seriously and resist the urge to label or dismiss their kid’s concerns as childhood “drama.” She urges parents to be present with their children by asking them open-ended questions, allowing them to talk, listening deeply and encouraging discussion about mutually acceptable solutions.
Michigan State University Extension provides opportunities for parents, youth workers and other adults to learn more about issues of bullying and ways to create safe, affirming and fair environments with and on behalf of young people. For more information, check out a new initiative called Be SAFE: Safe, Affirming and Fair Environments.
East Rockford Middle School students pledge to change their behavior in an activity called “Band-Aids for Bullying”.
Greater Awareness Leads to Positive Change
by Charles Honey
When Tarena VanDyke was accused of bullying another student, it really hurt, she said.
“I’ve never seen myself as a bully,” said the Northview High School senior. “I hope I’m a nice person.”
But after watching a series of videos about bullying and reflecting on her behavior, Tarena realized she had not been nice to this other student. In fact, she had been downright mean.
“I was more self-conscious of what I was doing to her,” Tarena said of the sensitization training she went through last year. “I watched the video and said, ‘OK, let’s grow up a little bit. Let’s not try to make her feel horrible, because that’s not a good thing to do.’”
Through the school’s anti-bullying program, called BASIC Training, Tarena said she became aware of how all students can mistreat each other – and more willing to intervene when she sees it. She said she pulled one student away from another whom he’d pushed against a wall.
“It started to open my eyes,” she added. “I realized even if I’m not the bully, I can help the other person.”
While schools commonly employ strategies to curb bullying, some, like Northview High, also aim to educate those accused of bullying about the consequences of their behavior. Typically, such students don’t think of themselves as bullies, or realize how much their actions have hurt someone else, school officials say.
“I don’t like the word ‘bully,’” said Nicole Mulheisen, director of Northview’s Student Responsibility Center. “But I do believe kids are mean. Usually kids who bully other kids, if you search in their life, they’ve been bullied.”
They’re Not Trying to be a Bully’
Schools nationwide increasingly have worked to counteract bullying, spurred by concerns about teen suicide, violence and malicious use of social media. In Michigan, Matt’s Safe School Law requires school districts to have anti-bullying policies and to annually report all incidents and consequences. The Legislature late last year added cyber-bullying to the requirements.
Many districts in the Kent ISD have adopted programs to help prevent bullying and suicide such as “be nice.” developed by the Mental Health Foundation of West Michigan. Several have hosted awareness-raising events such as Rachel’s Challenge, formed in response to the 1999 Columbine massacre. Many have formed their own awareness groups.
Such programs commonly invite bullied students to talk about their experience. But what about those accused of bullying? How do they feel, and what led them to bully someone? Several schools work with students on those questions, in addition to imposing consequences.
The issue starts with the usual idea of “bully.” Unlike the stereotypical brute extorting lunch money, most students accused of bullying, like Tarena, don’t see themselves that way, educators say.
“They’re not trying to be a bully,” said Katie Bush, dean of students at Kenowa Hills’ Central Elementary School. “A lot of kids, when you bring that to their attention, they often break down (in tears) and say ‘That’s horrible.’” Such students “often do a hurtful thing and don’t realize it’s hurtful,” Bush added.
Reflection and Confession, AA-Style
This year, Bush has had students involved in bullying fill out questionnaires – after she consults their parents — stating what happened and what their part in it was. Students list 10 things that could count as bullying, which ones they have done and what they will do to prevent bullying in school. After Bush or Principal Cherie Horner review students’ responses, the students read them to the class.
Along with educating them about the effects of bullying, the assignment forces students to “come clean with themselves” about their behavior, Bush said. The exercise is not meant to shame them but to be a way of asking for help, she said. The papers must begin with “I have been a bully,” and end with a plea to help the student stop doing it.
“We approached it from an AA perspective,” Bush said. “You’re saying to the class, ‘This isn’t the person I want to be. If you correct me, I’m going to see it as help and not lash out.’”
The school has had fewer bullying incidents since the forms were introduced, Bush said, adding accused students have not repeated their behavior as far as she knows. Other approaches also have helped. Knights Lights, a Kenowa High School anti-bullying group, did an activity with fourth- and fifth-graders in which students acknowledged personal problems, such as divorced parents. Classmates responded with sign-language for “I love you.”
The activity raised awareness of the problems that can cause students to act out, and that “people really need support instead of the opposite,” Bush said.
More Emotional Hurts than Physical
In middle school, bullying can become more overt and deliberate by eighth grade. But many younger students still don’t know their behavior is bullying, said Kelly Amshey, assistant principal at East Rockford Middle School.
“We find a lot of those instances are just kids that are naïve, and make quick decisions they don’t think through well enough to realize the consequences for other kids,” Amshey said. Bullying behavior, she added, is usually more emotional than physical, such as “social exclusion, talking bad about somebody, and sharing private or embarrassing information.”
Her school employs an array of approaches to combat bullying and nurture a positive culture. Those include No Place for Hate, a national program of the Anti-Defamation League promoting respect for differences and challenging bigotry, and annual activities such as “Accept and Respect Week” featuring guest speakers.
For those who bully, a mix of consequences and reflection aims to change their behavior. A hallway display shows silhouettes of a boy and girl, both covered with bandage-shaped messages of repentance from students. “I am sorry for … calling you a name,” reads one. “Next time I will … say something nice.”
Students who are disciplined for mean behavior must fill out forms reflecting on what they did, how it hurt someone else and what they could do differently next time. These accompany consequences including a “silent lunch” isolated from other students, contacting parents, or suspension for more serious offenses.
“Rather than just doling out punishment, we’re trying to make sure they understand what their role was and how they could act differently,” Amshey said. “Most of those kids, when they understand they hurt someone else, do show remorse.”
A Long Fight, a Bad Year
Tarena VanDyke felt remorse for her bullying behavior, but also some anger about how it was handled.
The problem developed from a verbal fight with a friend that escalated. Tarena said she was angered by things the friend was telling others about her, and retaliated. “If I would see she was talking about me, I would do things that would irritate her, and I knew they would,” she said.
The fights were part of a “bad year” that often found her depressed and anxious, Tarena said. Sometimes she would eat lunch in the Student Responsibility Center, where students go for discipline problems, just to hide and “feel real sad,” she said. She often confided in Mulheisen, the SRC director, as “the one person I could come to and say, ‘I’m having a real bad day.’”
Tarena eventually earned a four-day suspension – the school calls it administrative leave — for allegedly pushing the girl, though she said it was accidental nudging in crowded hallways. She felt the suspension was unfair and reacted angrily, she admits. But Mulheisen said the action was necessary.
“It was time for Tarena to take a couple days off,” Mulheisen said, noting Tarena has “a strong personality.”
“Her emotions did get the best of her, at times,” Mulheisen said. “But do I think Tarena is a bully? No. Tarena is a great person. She has learned from all of this.”
Learning to ‘Let it Go’
Tarena agrees, after going through the BASIC Training process. She watched six videos on various kinds of bullying, made by other students in an Advanced Placement language class. She wrote a reflection on what it would have been like to be the victim, and what she would do differently if she found herself in a bullying situation again.
Going through that process, and talking heart-to-heart with Mulheisen, Tarena came to a new perspective not only on the bullying incident, but herself.
“Now I can talk like an adult to anybody and address how I’m feeling without tearing them down in return,” Tarena said. “I’m very aware of what I say now, how I say it and how it comes across.”
She is also more aware of how it feels to be bullied. Indeed, she said she was bullied mercilessly by one student in sixth grade, and often came home crying.
She said she now sees how her personality was contributing to the problem with her friend: “I don’t let things go. I have this little box of pettiness in me.” Now, she said, “I just let it go. I don’t hold grudges anymore.”
She also smiles more – especially after a friend told her she didn’t do it enough.
“I’m glad this happened to me,” including the suspension, she insisted. “I’m way more aware of what happened. I found who I am.”
Tarena looks forward to next fall, when she plans to enroll in Grand Rapids Community College. Eventually she wants to earn a degree in social work, qualifying her to work in the courts on behalf of neglected and abused children.
“I want to be able to help kids that don’t have a voice, that can’t stand up for themselves,” she said. “I want to be that one for them that they can trust.”
Tips for Parents
If you learn your child has been bullied at school, here are some things you can do:
1. Never approach the bully’s parents, as this is the school’s job
2. Find out what the bully is doing – actions, times, places – and document it
3. Obtain a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policy to see if it was violated
4. Meet with the principal, relate the facts in a calm way and ask what you can do together to stop the bullying
5. Write down what the principal says, and follow up with a thank-you letter recapping what the principal agreed to do
6. Follow up with your child to see if the bullying stops, and touch base with the principal
7. If the bullying continues, file a notice of harassment and if necessary contact the superintendent and school board
