Family life can be fun, rewarding and complicated. Some of the more emotional discussions that families deal with revolve around problem-solving and conflict resolution.
The following are some tips to help with family decision-making:
Avoid discussing an issue or problem at an inappropriate time. Problem-solving tends to be difficult when people are angry or tired. Have a discussion when everyone is calm.
Do not begin the decision-making process with a closed mind. You may be surprised at the creative solutions your family creates together when everyone is open.
Be sure to listen to other people’s viewpoints and feelings. Agree or disagree, those are their feelings. Respect them.
Clarify to make sure you understand correctly and you are not making assumptions. Always check to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Do not let anger become a barrier to progress. Getting angry, criticizing, calling names, blaming, using sarcasm or other aggressive behavior does not help. If you are angry, take a break.
Do not give in just because it is easier. Saying, “I guess you’re right” with a big sigh, or being submissive in order to avoid conflict is not problem-solving, it’s avoidance.
Be realistic. Try to attach decisions to resources such as time, energy and money.
Avoid ultimatums. Ultimatums threaten other people into submitting to what they want. For example, “You’ll do it or I’ll divorce you!”
Be respectful. Refusing to regard individual differences in personalities, goals, values, emotional investments and lifestyles does not encourage teamwork. Go back to tip #3.
Communicate directly. Using a middle-person to communicate with another family member can cause even more emotions to flare and can lead to misunderstandings.
Be involved in family decisions. If you do not take an active interest in decisions that concern other members of the family, which could benefit by your involvement, do not be hurt when others are disinterested in your problems.
Establish suitable boundaries around family decision-making. Example of this might be who will be involved in the process; immediate family, extended family, in-laws.
By becoming aware of these tips, families may be able to communicate effectively without anger and hurt. They will be able to create a plan that is agreeable to all involved and successfully resolve family issues.
Visit the Michigan State University Extension website for more information and check out a variety of educational programs throughout the state.
By Terry Clark-Jones, Michigan State University Extension
Is there a way to fight fairly? Yes, there is! Resolving conflicts with positive communication can bring people closer together and make relationships stronger. Below is one way you can begin to learn how to deal with conflict fairly, as well as teach those close to you how to fight fair. This works best in close relationships, such as those involving parents, partners, spouses, children, other family members or roommates. Begin by setting some time to explain conflict resolution to everyone in the household. Each person needs to be willing to follow the steps and a chance to practice.
Start with an agreement –Agree that conflicts exist in order to reach common ground at the end of the disagreement. Therefore, trust, love, respect, caring and kindness are key elements in every disagreement.
Stop and think — The next time you find yourself arguing with someone close to you, stop and think about your anger threshold, that point at which you know you are losing it. This is the point at which you can most effectively make changes. At lower levels of frustration, we are all capable of some self-control.
Code word — Choose a code word for anger thresholds. All household members must agree to respect the code word. You can call the code word yourself, if your own anger has reached your threshold or somebody else can call the code word, if they see anger rising in you or in someone else. Give everyone a chance to practice using the code word. For example, “I am calling a time out”.
Calm down — When someone calls the code, everyone must stop talking and moving for one minute. During that one minute, everyone should try to relax physically and think calming thoughts. Be a model of calm.
Come back and try again — Once everyone is calm, discuss the problem using “I statements”. At the end of one minute, someone can ask, “Are we calm enough to talk?” If everyone answers “yes,” you can start to work on a solution together. You may decide that more time is needed to calm down. If that is the case, each person needs to go to a separate place for some quiet time.
Be specific — Individuals need to be specific about what is bothering you. Accept statements and try to understand them for what they mean.
Keep the issue in the present — Do not bring up previous incidences, previous fights, actions, inactions or behavior which have nothing to do with the topic of the current fight. No one can fix an always or never situation such as, “you have always been stubborn” or “you never listen to me.”
Use respectful language — No name calling, swearing, insults, threats or intimidation. This creates an atmosphere of distrust, more anger and vulnerability.
Use calm voice — No raising your voice and dominating the conversation. Do not attempt to control by out-shouting or making more noise to drive home a point.
Name it to tame it — Always acknowledge the other’s basic feelings. For example, “I understand you are feeling frustrated right now, and I am glad you shared that.”
In the end of a fight or conflict, the ultimate goals is for individuals involved to come away feeling respected, understood and committed to change some behavior that may be irritating or difficult for another to accept. Compromise is always a win-win resolution to conflict.
With some or all of these guidelines in place, conflicts will become less destructive and with more constructive expression of anger.
Tina Murua sat down recently with Kelloggsville Middle School seventh-graders Genesis Figuero and Kiara McBride. The girls were ready to talk face-to-face about problems with their friendship, prompted by hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Taking turns holding a bag of marbles to designate who could speak in the Restorative Circle, the girls, through guided conversation with Murua, told each other what was on their minds. Turns out, they really never wanted to stop being best friends but got caught up in a game of she said/she said.
At the end of the discussion, the girls signed an agreement to talk directly to each other about any concerns.
Without Murua to talk to, the girls might have wound up in the principal’s office for gossiping or arguing. Instead, they used a new tool available to them: restorative justice. Murua began working last fall at Kelloggsville Middle School on three afternoons a week as facilitator for the program that aims to teach students how to peacefully resolve conflicts.
Kiara and Genesis said they felt positive about the agreement. Restorative justice was a better way to solve their problem than continuing to argue. “I like this better because if you are going to the principal or dean you are getting in trouble. I like to go somewhere where I’m not getting in trouble and can sort out my problems,” Kiara said. “It’s good because if you don’t want to talk to the teacher or principal, you have (Murua) to help.”
Genesis Figuero listens to her friend Kiara McBride
A new outreach of the Grand Rapids-based nonprofit Dispute Resolution Center of West Michigan (DRCWM), restorative justice helps students solve differences using trained mediators. Many students’ conflicts center around friendships, gossiping or social media arguments, though they see Murua for bigger offenses–like stealing or fighting–sometimes after suspension, as well.
Students often just need the skills to respond appropriately to conflict. Sometimes that hasn’t been modeled well at home, Murua said. “I think these kids are so interesting, and they are just trying to find their way. There are a lot of them who struggle,” she said. “I don’t think a single one of them is a bad kid. Some of them are in rough situations, and they don’t have the internal resources to deal with it.”
A Non-Punitive Approach
As a third-party, Murua provides a place where students feel comfortable talking things out without facing punishment.
“It is a different way to approach conflict or difficult behavior. When we are talking about student discipline traditionally, we ask, ‘What was the rule? Who broke it? What is the punishment?’ Instead we’re asking, ‘What happened? Who was affected or harmed, and what needs to be done to repair the harm and keep it from happening again?'”
While restorative justice isn’t a new philosophy or curriculum, it flips the traditionally punitive school-discipline model. It is also being used at Lee Middle School in Godfrey-Lee Public Schools and at Wyoming High School in Wyoming Public Schools. In Grand Rapids Public Schools, more than two dozen schools have implemented restorative practices and more than 1,500 students have participated, Superintendent Teresa Weatherall Neal reported this fall.
Kelloggsville students may still be suspended as part of the discipline program there, but they often meet with Murua after they return. Christine Gilman, executive director for the DRCWM, said they first approached Godfrey-Lee to start the program last year because of a disproportionate rate of suspensions and expulsions for minority and special-education students. Wyoming High School and Kelloggsville administrators expressed interest when the center wanted to expand the program. “It is such a powerful way to help improve the school community and culture, to make communication really valued and where students use their communication skills to solve problems,” Gilman said.
Kiara McBride and Genesis Figuero discuss a rift in their friendship
A Way to Build Community
Oftentimes, including in the case of suspension, students are cut off, at least temporarily, from the school community. Restorative justice instead makes students accountable for their behavior. They have to own up to the situation and become part of the solution. “I like to focus on the word ‘restorative’ as opposed to ‘retributive,'” said Murua, a self-described “recovering lawyer.” “Retribution traditionally focuses on ‘You do something bad to us, we do something bad to you.'” The long-term goal is to interrupt the school-to-prison pipeline by creating stronger schools and students who have a sense of belonging.
The outcome of a successful restorative justice program is fewer suspensions. Students are also less likely to repeat bad behaviors and the need for classroom discipline decreases, Murua said. Principal Jim Alston said restorative justice is another level in helping students resolve conflict before they end up in his office. “They are more apt to open up and face each other. It forces them to learn the skills of being able to talk to each other.” Wyoming High School Assistant Principal Josh Baumbach said they’ve already seen a reduction in suspensions since starting the program this fall. “It has allowed students a safe process to work out their differences and it helps ensure the issue does not come back as soon as students return to the hallways and classrooms,” he said.
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he following are some tips to help with family decision-making:
