Hopeless vs. Empowered: Learn how to move from existing to living
By Deborah Reed
WKTV Managing Editor
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains sensitive information about depression and suicide that may be distressing or traumatic for some individuals.
Ignorance results in stigma.
Stigma prevents those who need help from seeking it.
Knowledge and self-awareness stop both ignorance and stigma in their tracks.
“I’ve learned that when people say things about suicide,” Julie Gregory, mother of suicide victim Jessica Gregory, told WKTV Journal, “they’re not saying it to be mean or callous. They’re saying it because they’re ignorant to the facts.”
Christy Buck, Executive Director of the be nice. program, provides an action plan consisting of four simple steps that equip individuals with knowledge to recognize, understand, accept, and take action regarding mental health.
- N: notice changes in someone’s thoughts, actions or feelings.
- I: invite yourself to speak up if those changes last two weeks or longer.
- C: challenge yourself to ask the tough questions, get help, and fight the stigma surrounding mental illness and treatment.
- E: empower yourself and others with the knowledge that you can have an effect on how a person thinks, acts and feels.
Self-awareness and grace
For those struggling with mental illness, self-awareness and giving themselves grace are two key components of healing.
“The more self-aware you become, you also know what your limits are,” said Dr. Valencia Agnew of Adolescent and Family Behavioral Services.
Being aware of your thinking gives you more control, said Dr. Brendan Kelly of The Well Being Counseling and Fitness Center. “Control over things you didn’t have [before], like a sense of empowerment over yourself.”
Preparation: It’s like clockwork…I know it’s coming…
In a place of recovery for mental illness, local resident Monica Ruiz said paying close attention to what her body tells her, and how it affects her engagement in activities that keep her regulated and healthy, is key in recognizing when her mental illness is triggered.
Opting out of her regular walks, skipping support group, and not making dinner are all signs that Monica’s mental health is faltering. She then digs into her coping resource toolbox to help manage those negative symptoms.
Signs of mental illness
Signs that someone is struggling with their mental health varies from person to person, but there are several indicators that appear with regularity.
Changes in normal patterns lasting two weeks or more is a key symptom of mental illness. Some (but not all) signs are included below:
- Changes in eating
- Changes in sleeping
- Isolating themselves
- Not wanting to go to school or places they used to enjoy
- Increase in crying/appearing sad
- Changes in schoolwork
- Violence toward themselves or others
- Increase in crude or harmful language
- Increase in anger/temper tantrums
- Nothing to look forward to, such as events or the future
If you notice these signs in yourself or others, seek help.
If encountering resistance from a parent/adult, Agnew advises those struggling to say: “Even if it is a phase, what harm will it do for me to go and have someone help me? Who couldn’t benefit from support during a [difficult] phase?”
Adapting and Modifying
When experiencing a low point, modifying daily routines can be helpful.
“One of my first lines of defense is to modify my daily activities,” said Monica. “Pausing, being still, and taking that time.”
For a few days, dinner might consist of protein shakes or frozen dinners. Groceries might be ordered and delivered via an online app versus spending hours in a store.
However, Monica added, simplifying activities should only be a short-term solution.
Rachael Braginton, Program Coordinator for be nice., said she has experienced struggles with her own mental health. She can tell her mental health has been negatively triggered when she becomes more irritable, her energy levels dip, and she regularly feels overwhelmed.
Rachael has learned to give herself grace during those times.
“It’s okay to take the evening,” said Rachael. “It’s okay to just sit. It’s okay if you’re just surviving…for a few days.”
Rachael makes a conscious effort to slow down and tell herself it is okay if everything she planned doesn’t get done. But, after taking a moment to relax, Rachael makes a revised plan: What two things am I going to do, so I feel accomplished?
And again…grace.
“You’ve got to continue to give yourself grace in that process,” said Rachael.
First steps: Reaching out
When your mental health is triggered, reaching out to a person you trust is crucial.
“My biggest encouragement would be, find that one person who you are the most comfortable with, that you can say, ‘I’m struggling, and I don’t know what the next step is. Can you help me?’” said Rachael.
Monica agreed that finding a person you trust and who can help you navigate those first steps of the healing process is impactful.
And support is often needed more than advice.
Support vs. Advice
Though it is human nature to want to help a struggling loved one find relief or a solution, a listening ear is often most important.
“Do not fix, control or hand out advice,” said Monica, adding that she personally does not want advice most of the time. “I’m not looking to be fixed.”
Listening, empathizing and letting someone know you support them often helps the most.
“Don’t tell them you know exactly how they feel, because we don’t,” said Dr. Matthew Clark of The Clark Institute. “A lot of times people just want someone to listen, to reflect back to them what they are saying.”
Minimizing or invalidating an individual’s struggle is also damaging.
“Invalidation can be very harmful, and it can immediately fracture that trust and feeling of safety,” said Monica.
Rachael added that causing someone to feel shame about their struggle is also harmful.
“Most people struggling logically know what they are doing is not helpful, or logically know [that] I should be able to do X, Y, and Z. [But] I can’t,” said Rachael. “There is a logical piece to all of us, and we know it’s not right. So quick fixes – those little things – just aren’t helpful.”
Eliminate “Just” statements such as Just breathe, or Just calm down.
“If I could ‘just’ think really hard and change my chemicals, I would,” said Rachael. “But I can’t.”
Madelyn Musser, a local resident with personal mental illness experience, said to stay calm if approached by someone looking for support. Simply ask, What do you need from me? Would you like advice? Or do you just want me to listen?
“That is something so powerful, just those two little options,” said Madelyn, adding that it is important to surround yourself with supportive people. “Build a team.”
Hold space, leave space
“Leave space for silence,” said Rachael. “Allow the other person to fill it. Let them say what they need to say.”
If there is any indication someone is struggling, it is vital to ask how that person is doing and hold space for that conversation. It is also just as important to hold space for the answers you receive.
“Don’t be afraid to have that conversation with someone,” said Agnew. “Nine times out of ten, they’re going to tell you [if they are thinking of suicide].
“You are not going to make someone suicidal by asking. You are not going to plant a seed.”
Clark said that simply checking in with someone is a way to show support.
“Sometimes we feel like no one really cares about what [we are] going through,” said Clark. “Sometimes we think that if they don’t ask, they don’t care.”
#ThereIsAlwaysHope
“I do believe that all suffering is temporary,” said Monica. “I do believe that, as humans, we are capable of healing ourselves, and we know what we need.
“Life experiences can get in the way of that and make us feel hopeless, that we will never get better and there is no help. But I do believe that is not true.”
“When we sit here and say there is hope, it’s because we’ve seen it, we’ve lived it,” said Rachael.
When hope is not easy to see, Rachael urges those struggling to take it one step at a time.
“It’s not always easy, but there really is hope out there,” said Rachael.
Monica said that even in the lowest times, there will be moments of reprieve. “So please hold on. There is help. It gets better.”
Recognize your worth
“I remember the first time someone told me that I was worthy just because I existed,” said Monica. “It brought me to tears immediately.”
She continued, “It’s something I say to others. I do believe everyone really does belong here.”
Changing things up
Rewriting the narrative surrounding mental health and mental illness is long overdue. Action is how to make it happen.
“You change the narrative by doing something,” said Agnew. “Go talk to someone. It changes the narrative just by taking that step.”
Buck’s be nice. book visualizes the four-step suicide prevention process as a pyramid (pg. 143).
Knowledge of mental illness signs and risk factors – and how to approach them – creates the base. Confidence generated by that knowledge is the middle. At the top of the pyramid is action: the steps taken to address the concern.
“Knowledge breeds confidence,” said Buck in her book (pg. 144). “Confidence breeds action.”
Increasing personal knowledge, having a support system and building resiliency are all steps to rewriting your story, or the story of a loved one.
“Any of those things can change the narrative,” said Agnew. “Literally change the narrative.
“It’s not always easy to do, but it is possible to do, and it is well worth the investment. You get to go from existing, to living.”
Eradicate Stigma
To learn more about be nice. and the four simple steps to recognizing depression and preventing suicide, visit the Mental Health Foundation.
Help stomp out stigma surrounding mental illness by joining the free annual be nice. Stomp Out Stigma 5K Walk event in May each year.
*Find more Mental Health: Rewriting the Narrative resources by clicking here.
Resources
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It is a free, 24/7 service that offers confidential support, information and local resources.
You can also text “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line: 741741, or text “nice” to the Crisis Text Line: 741741 to be connected with a be nice. crisis counselor.
Search for local treatment in your area: Local Resources.
Support for LGBTQ youth: The Trevor Project.
