Tag Archives: Grief

Coping with grief during the holidays

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By Emmanuel Hospice

Emmanuel Hospice’s grief support services are open to anyone in the community on a grief journey regardless of whether they have a prior connection with the nonprofit organization or hospice care. (Emmanuel Hospice/Adobe Stock)

It can be hard handling the holidays – especially if you’re trying to process grief that accompanies the loss of a loved one.

But there are ways to make it through this season.

That’s not to say there’s a magic wand available to make your sadness vanish. But strategies and coping mechanisms do exist that can be put into place to make the holidays a little less stressful, even though you’re recovering from a loss.

“One of the first things to realize is that grief is a continuum,” says Ashley Huisman, bereavement coordinator for Emmanuel Hospice. “So, while one person might react very stoically and without a lot of tears, another might be extremely emotional.

“The important thing is not to judge; we don’t know what anyone is dealing with internally in that moment.”

Another thing to consider, says Huisman, is that not everyone processes grief according to the so-called five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, despair and acceptance.

“Grief isn’t a standard, cookie-cutter type of thing,” she says, noting it’s just as common to bounce between these stages or even skip one as it is to follow them in a linear way.

Huisman offers the following tips on how to cope with grief at the holidays:

  • Manage expectations. Just because you’ve always been relied upon to bake that fancy dessert, the grief you’re feeling might compel you to pass this year. Even at the risk of thinking you’re letting someone down, take care of yourself first. “Pick out the tasks or customs,” says Huisman, “that have the most meaning for you.”
  • Make time for yourself. “Take a nap,” says Huisman. “Listen to music. Try to be reflective. Or even try to not remember for a while what you’re dealing with. The important thing is to check in with yourself and be sure you’re getting what you need.”
  • Give to get. When grief overwhelms, make a conscious effort to support others. It can help you create perspective and focus on another’s needs. Says Huisman, “It’s giving your heart a break.”
  • Memorialize your loss. Create a special ornament that honors the person gone. Continue to hang a stocking in their name, and slip a note inside telling them the ways they’re missed. Light a candle. Write a poem. Buy a gift they would have loved and donate it in their name to a cause. 
  • Reach out for help. Emmanuel Hospice, for example, offers workshops and support groups to help anyone in the community manage grief, regardless of whether they have a prior connection with the nonprofit organization or hospice care.

The nonprofit is offering free “Handling the Holidays” grief support sessions at various locations in the greater Grand Rapids area:

  • Monday, Dec. 5 from 1-2 p.m.
  • Wednesday, Dec. 14 from 2-3 p.m. 
  • Monday, Dec. 19 from 10-11 a.m. 
  • Wednesday, Dec. 21 from 10-11 a.m.

     

Those interested in joining are asked to contact Emmanuel Hospice if they plan to attend and get more information at 616-719-0919 or EHBereavement@emmanuelhospice.org. RSVPs are welcome up until the day of the event.

In addition to leading support groups, Emmanuel Hospice provides support through counseling, education and referrals to community resources to help individuals cope with all stages of grief before, during and even after the holidays. More information is available at EmmanuelHospice.org/grief-support.

Though it sounds simplistic, Huisman encourages people grieving through the holidays to “take them one day at a time. Try not to be anxious.

“Most of all,” she says, “look for things that will give you comfort. And let the rest be.”

Grief presentation, dealing with an illness focus of upcoming program at Marge’s

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For the next Mr. Sid’s Video Series, Lorna Dobson will lead a discussion on dealing with grief Wednesday, Oct. 19.

Rev. Ed Dobson’s book “Prayers and Promises” will be available at the Mr. Sid’s Video Series this Wednesday.

Dobson’s husband, Rev. Ed. Dobson, who was the long-time pastor at Calvary Undenominational located on the East Beltline, died of ALS in December of 2015. ALS is amyotrophic lateral sclerosis and sometime’s referred to as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It is a neurological disease that primarily affects the nerve cells (neurons) responsible for controlling voluntary muscle movement such as walking or chewing.

While dealing with ALS, Rev. Dobson produced two short videos, “My Garden,” issues of grief and loss and “Ask Forgiveness.” Lorna Dobson will lead the discussion on the videos.

Also available will be Rev. Dobson’s book and audio CDs Prayers and Promises,” a 30-day devotional or morning and evening reflections when facing a life-threatening illness.

The program is at 2 p.m. at Marge’s Donut Den, 1751 28th St. SW.

Upcoming Mr. Sid’s Video Series presentations

Nov. 2: Traverse City resident, Vietnam veteran, and Silver Star recipient Tim Keenan snuggled with his wartime experiences while hiking the Appalachian Trail, Keenan wrote about his journey in “The Good Hike.”

Dec. 21: “I’ll be Home for Christmas” the group’s traditional celebration of the meaning of Christmas as well as the importance of what “I’ll be home for Christmas” means to veterans.

In Love and Health: May your month be mentally healthy

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By Dr. Erik Johnson
Love & Health Chiropractic

Since 1949, when May was first designated as Mental Health Month, we have not collectively experienced the degree of trauma, grief, and stress that this past years COVID-19 pandemic has generated among us. Loss of family members, jobs, social connections, and our daily routines has rocked the foundations of our emotional and mental wellbeing. An April 2020 survey of 24,155 Michigan residents found 79% of respondents reported concern about stress, loneliness, anxiety, and/or depression, with 29% indicating that they were “very” or “extremely” concerned about these mental health symptoms. No doubt, when numbers are compiled for April 2021, we will see even more mental health impacts among Michiganders.

There are two ways you can help stem this tide. One, speak up to reduce the stigma that keeps many from seeking help for mental health concerns. If your children, spouse, family members or friends need help, let them know that you support them in getting that help. If you can’t find the words for the conversation, share the resources listed below.

Second, take care of your own mental health. Last month’s column shared way to relieve stress. If you are grieving the loss of loved ones, you can find support at one of the area’s grief support groups. If you need help, get help! For help dealing with stress, anger, thinking traps, and other issues, check out Mental Health America’sTools2Thrive.

Third, take care of your physical health. Eat healthy foods like fresh fruits and vegetables, lean chemical-free meats, 100% whole grain breads and cereals, and healthy fats. (Caffeine, alcohol, and sugar can make us feel better for a minute, but overall, can interfere with optimal mental as well as physical health.) Try to get 30 minutes of exercise five days a week. Get plenty of sleep. Drink plenty of water. And seek care from your healthcare providers as needed—including chiropractic adjustments.

Loss of spinal health can lead to degeneration and chronic pain. There are numerous studies that investigate the connection between depression and pain (particularly back pain). The unfortunate reality is many people who suffer from depression also suffer from chronic pain, and depression can heighten their perception of pain, creating a downward spiral. Chiropractic adjustments help to keep your spine and nervous system healthy and feeling good, which helps keep you healthy and feeling good!

Mental Health Fast Facts from NAMI-Michigan

Did you know?

  • 1 in 6 U.S. youth experience a mental health condition each year, but only half get treatment. 
  • 70.4% of youth in the juvenile justice system have a diagnosed mental illness. 
  • 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year, but less than half get treatment. 
  • 1 in 20 U.S. adults experiences a serious mental illness each year, but less than two-thirds get treatment.
  • Mental illness and substance use disorders are involved in 1 out of every 8 emergency department visits 
  • Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10–34 and the 10th leading cause of death overall in the U.S.

Are you experiencing anxiety, depression, or other symptoms of mental illness? You are not alone. Check out these personal stories shared by folks like you who have experienced mental illness, survived, and thrived via the NAMI Strength Over Silence campaign. The State of Michigan also offers many online mental health resources.

Dr. Erik Johnson DC is a chiropractor at Love and Health Chiropractic in Wyoming at 1586 44th Street SW.

Snapshots: For Auld Lang Syne

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By WKTV Staff

victoria@wktv.org

Quote of the Day

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”

— The eternal optimist

Hope is a roof over your head

The 3:11 Youth Housing Program is for youth ages 18 to 24, to transition from homelessness to stability. They focus on that age range because it’s when people are entering adulthood. It now consists of eight rehabbed duplex-style homes in Grand Rapids, each with room for three to four youths and a mentor or mentor couple. More info here.

Still time

David Wiesner (American, b. 1956), Art & Max, 2010. (Supplied)

If you haven’t taken your kids to the Grand Rapids Art Museum yet during winter break, you’re still in luck. The GRAM will waive admission fees for visitors age 17 and under through Jan. 5.

Grieving the loss of a loved one?

The holidays can often serve as a stumbling block on the journey from grief to healing. The topic of grief is not often something anyone wants to talk about, especially at a time of year that, for most, is a time of great joy and happiness. Here are some tips on how to cope.

Fun fact:

It’s nothing new

Mesopotamia (modern day Iraq) began the concept of celebrating the new year in 2000 BC. Back then, people observed new year in mid-March, around the time of the vernal equinox. See? We’re not so special.

10 ways to cope with grief this holiday season

3-bottom, Citizen Journalism, Community Health, Health, Holidays, How-To's,

By Janet Jaymin, MA, LPC, Bereavement Manager at Faith Hospice


Family and togetherness are key themes around the holidays. And when a loved one is missing from those gatherings and traditions, the holiday season can be especially difficult. 


The holidays can often serve as a stumbling block on the journey from grief to healing. The topic of grief is not often something anyone wants to talk about, especially at a time of year that, for most, is a time of great joy and happiness. 


For anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one, the holidays can bring about intensified or renewed grief. You may become flooded with memories or find the carrying-out of past traditions to be overwhelming.


With all of this in mind, we’ve developed a list of ways to cope with grief this holiday season. In doing so, we hope to generate an increased level of empathy when helping a friend or family member through grief in this season.

Why is recognizing grief around the holidays important?

Grief isn’t the same for everyone, nor is there a right or wrong way to cope—particularly around the holidays. Depending on what someone’s relationship was to a person who has passed, the intensity of that loss will be felt differently. For older generations, it may be a spouse, sibling or close friend. For younger generations, it might be a parent or grandparent. Different relationships mean different memories, experiences, and traditions that were shared with that loved one.


Because of this, grief can come about in a variety of ways. Accepting and understanding these truths is key, whether you’re coping yourself or are close to someone who is coping. If you’re finding yourself struggling on your journey from grief to healing this holiday season, or know someone who is, here are 10 tips for coping:

1.  Plan as much as you can.

The holidays bring with them an increased pressure to attend parties or gatherings. This can be stressful for anyone, but for someone grieving a loss, it can cause an even greater level of anxiety. This is why it’s even more important to plan ahead regarding which events you’re going to attend. Trying to manage your grief is hard enough, overloading your schedule can only lead to more stress. That leads us to the second tip:

2.  It’s OK to set boundaries.

Protect yourself from gatherings you feel may be too much. You may fear anything from a specific song playing to seeing your loved one’s favorite dessert is going to cause you to be emotional in front of a large group of people. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking questions regarding who will be there, how long the event will last, etc. That way, if there are people you may not be ready to face or if you are worried about how long you’ll have to endure the event, this will allow you to be prepared or, simply to say, “no”—and that’s OK.

3.  Drive yourself.

To expand on No. 2, for the gatherings you decide to attend, it’s recommended you drive yourself. This way, should you find yourself in a situation that’s overwhelming or feel the need to leave, you’re not dependent on someone else’s schedule.

4.  It’s OK to need a break from tradition.

If trying to carry out past traditions you would’ve typically shared with your late loved one is too painful, its OK to change things up. For example, if decorating the Christmas tree was always something you did with your spouse, perhaps put decorations up outside or help a friend decorate instead. It doesn’t mean you can’t go back to your tradition, you’re simply allowing the wound to heal—especially if it’s your first holiday without that loved one.

5.  If you’ve typically hosted, ask someone else.

This goes back to the notion that managing your grief is hard enough on its own. Adding the planning of a party and preparation of a large meal can only lead to additional stress. If you typically have hosted for the holidays, try asking another family member to this year. Better yet, you could go out to eat at a restaurant instead. This takes the pressure off one person to cook, clean, etc. and is an especially good option if you’re feeling guilty (even though you shouldn’t) about asking someone else.

6.  Use your pain for the betterment of others.

You’d be amazed how getting out to volunteer or giving to a cause can have incredibly healing effects. And it doesn’t have to be volunteering; perhaps you know someone who is alone this holiday season—an elderly person in your neighborhood or a person whose family lives far away. Try inviting them over, or see if they’d want to do something together. Maybe the elderly woman down the street doesn’t put up decorations because her husband always did, or her age no longer allows for her to do so (now you can combine elements of #4 as well). The point is, doing something good for someone else changes the mood, and not only are you doing something good for yourself, you’re helping someone else in the process.

7.  Honor your loved one.

For anyone sharing in the loss, coming together to share stories, lighting a candle in your loved one’s memory, or playing a favorite song can offer healing—just because they’re gone doesn’t mean you forget them or stop loving them. 

8.  Laughter really is the best medicine.

Many coping with grief find themselves feeling guilty when they catch themselves laughing or feeling happy in the wake of a loved one’s death. They’re thinking, “No, I should be sad.” Or, “If I appear happy, does that mean I’m not mourning my loved one enough?” However, it’s good for us to find joy or humor in times of grief. And what better way to incorporate honoring your loved one than by sharing funny stories or fond memories with others sharing in the grief.

9.  Self-care.

One of the best things you can do during this time is to take care of yourself. The holidays are busy and stressful enough, let alone trying to cope with your grief. Take time for yourself. Get your rest. Eat well. Get some fresh air and exercise. Treat yourself to a massage. Take that class you always wanted to try. Whatever it may be, now more than ever, is a great time for you. 

10. There’s no right or wrong way to cope.

Wherever you are in your journey through grief, just remember that however you’re feeling is not only normal, but valid. Losing a loved one directly leads to change in a person’s life and past traditions aren’t the same. For those who may know someone struggling with grief, it’s important to be mindful of what they’re going through and remember that grief appears in different ways.

Everyone will experience grief at some point in their lifetime, and the best thing we can all do is be understanding and support one other.


Need support in your journey through grief? Faith Hospice offers counseling and guidance through a number of programs—from individual counseling to support groups—and invites you to join any of the support services that are appropriate for you.


For additional help through your journey through grief, contact the Faith Hospice Bereavement team at 616-235-5122 or visit our website at https://faithhospicecare.org/services/bereavement/



Children and grief

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Photo supplied

By Tracy Trautner, Michigan State University Extension

Loss can mean many things. It can come in many forms and possibly be the loss of a loved one, a pet, a house due to a fire or of a family due to a divorce, just to name a few.

Everyone experiences and copes with a loss differently and children are no different. Depending on the developmental stage and age of the child, the responses will vary. Preschool children usually see death as temporary because they see the cartoon characters on television die and come back to life. Children 5 and older think more like adults about death but still feel it will not happen to them or people they know.


Young children may feel that the death is their fault. They may also act younger than they are, need extra attention and cuddling, make unreasonable demands and possibly wet their beds. Children of all ages may have nightmares, be irritable or show anger towards surviving family members. Additionally, older children may withdrawal from others, have a drop in academic performance, be distracted, unable to focus, have memory problems, profound sadness, experience loneliness and depression and irregular sleep and appetite patterns.

A child should never be forced to attend a funeral. Discover other ways to honor or remember a loved one. Some possibilities include planting a tree, lighting a candle, writing a story about that person, looking at photographs or telling stories. In addition, allow the child to decide how they would like to be comforted and greeted at a memorial service and funeral. Respect the child to decide if they would like to give or receive a hug or kiss, a high five or not be touched at all. Adults assume that a hug or kiss will comfort a sad child, but it absolutely needs to be the decision of the child.

When talking to children about death or loss, be direct and simple. Use words such as “died” or “death” or the “body has quit working” instead of “passed away” or “went to sleep”. Children are literal thinkers and may be afraid to go to sleep as a result. Allow them to take a break from grieving. They will not grieve continuously and will need opportunities to laugh and play. It’s OK to laugh. It doesn’t mean they aren’t still grieving the loss. Also, with a hurtful loss there is really no such thing as closure. Whether it is the death of a loved one, pet, family unit, house, etc., they will remember the situation for the rest of their lives.

Children will eventually process, learn to cope and are able to move on with their lives. Encourage them to remember in a way that works for them. One way to help is for adults to validate a child’s feelings and comments. Let them know it is OK to feel sad, mad, afraid, confused or lonely and that, possibly, you do as well sometimes. Avoid saying “you have to be brave this time of year”, “everything will be OK”, “I know how you are feeling”, which will only repress their feelings and keep them from expressing their feelings to you now and in the future.

Finally, as an important person in a child’s life, remember to take care of yourself and your well-being as well. It is OK for children to see your tears and to feel your pain. Ask them for a hug when needed. It allows your children to know it is OK to feel emotions and ask for comfort. If being around your child or other family members is too much, take a break and allow others to spend time with them. Care for yourself by eating, exercising and sleeping well. Grief can come in waves and be overwhelming at times. You cannot take care of others if you are hurting yourself. Give yourself a break when it comes to committing to extracurricular activities, cleaning the house or feeding the family home-cooked meals every night. Accepting help is a good lesson for young children to learn for the future.

During this time, everyone’s life may be in chaos. Young children need structure but at the same time change will happen, and change is good. They thrive on rituals and traditions but those will change as well. Make new traditions, talk about the future in a positive way, and share specific, good memories of the person, pet or life that has been lost.

This article was published by Michigan State University Extension. For more information, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu. To have a digest of information delivered straight to your email inbox, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu/newsletters. To contact an expert in your area, visit http://expert.msue.msu.edu, or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).