Tag Archives: Terry Clark-Jones

Family decision-making tips

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By Terry Clark-Jones, Michigan State University Extension

Family life can be fun, rewarding and complicated. Some of the more emotional discussions that families deal with revolve around problem-solving and conflict resolution.

The following are some tips to help with family decision-making:
  1. Avoid discussing an issue or problem at an inappropriate time. Problem-solving tends to be difficult when people are angry or tired. Have a discussion when everyone is calm.
  2. Do not begin the decision-making process with a closed mind. You may be surprised at the creative solutions your family creates together when everyone is open.
  3. Be sure to listen to other people’s viewpoints and feelings. Agree or disagree, those are their feelings. Respect them.
  4. Clarify to make sure you understand correctly and you are not making assumptions.  Always check to make sure everyone is on the same page.
  5. Do not let anger become a barrier to progress. Getting angry, criticizing, calling names, blaming, using sarcasm or other aggressive behavior does not help. If you are angry, take a break.
  6. Do not give in just because it is easier. Saying, “I guess you’re right” with a big sigh, or being submissive in order to avoid conflict is not problem-solving, it’s avoidance.
  7. Be realistic. Try to attach decisions to resources such as time, energy and money.
  8. Avoid ultimatums. Ultimatums threaten other people into submitting to what they want. For example, “You’ll do it or I’ll divorce you!”
  9. Be respectful. Refusing to regard individual differences in personalities, goals, values, emotional investments and lifestyles does not encourage teamwork. Go back to tip #3.
  10. Communicate directly. Using a middle-person to communicate with another family member can cause even more emotions to flare and can lead to misunderstandings.
  11. Be involved in family decisions. If you do not take an active interest in decisions that concern other members of the family, which could benefit by your involvement, do not be hurt when others are disinterested in your problems.
  12. Establish suitable boundaries around family decision-making. Example of this might be who will be involved in the process; immediate family, extended family, in-laws.

By becoming aware of these tips, families may be able to communicate effectively without anger and hurt. They will be able to create a plan that is agreeable to all involved and successfully resolve family issues.

Visit the Michigan State University Extension website for more information and check out a variety of educational programs throughout the state.

This article was published by Michigan State University Extension. For more information, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu. To have a digest of information delivered straight to your email inbox, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu/newsletters. To contact an expert in your area, visit http://expert.msue.msu.edu, or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).

How to fight fairly

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Photo courtesy of MSU Extension

By Terry Clark-Jones, Michigan State University Extension 

Is there a way to fight fairly? Yes, there is! Resolving conflicts with positive communication can bring people closer together and make relationships stronger. Below is one way you can begin to learn how to deal with conflict fairly, as well as teach those close to you how to fight fair. This works best in close relationships, such as those involving parents, partners, spouses, children, other family members or roommates. Begin by setting some time to explain conflict resolution to everyone in the household. Each person needs to be willing to follow the steps and a chance to practice.

  • Start with an agreement –Agree that conflicts exist in order to reach common ground at the end of the disagreement. Therefore, trust, love, respect, caring and kindness are key elements in every disagreement.
  • Stop and think — The next time you find yourself arguing with someone close to you, stop and think about your anger threshold, that point at which you know you are losing it. This is the point at which you can most effectively make changes. At lower levels of frustration, we are all capable of some self-control.
  • Code word — Choose a code word for anger thresholds. All household members must agree to respect the code word. You can call the code word yourself, if your own anger has reached your threshold or somebody else can call the code word, if they see anger rising in you or in someone else. Give everyone a chance to practice using the code word. For example, “I am calling a time out”.
  • Calm down — When someone calls the code, everyone must stop talking and moving for one minute. During that one minute, everyone should try to relax physically and think calming thoughts. Be a model of calm.
  • Come back and try again — Once everyone is calm, discuss the problem using “I statements”. At the end of one minute, someone can ask, “Are we calm enough to talk?” If everyone answers “yes,” you can start to work on a solution together. You may decide that more time is needed to calm down. If that is the case, each person needs to go to a separate place for some quiet time.
  • Be specific — Individuals need to be specific about what is bothering you. Accept statements and try to understand them for what they mean.
  • Keep the issue in the present — Do not bring up previous incidences, previous fights, actions, inactions or behavior which have nothing to do with the topic of the current fight. No one can fix an always or never situation such as, “you have always been stubborn” or “you never listen to me.”
  • Use respectful language — No name calling, swearing, insults, threats or intimidation. This creates an atmosphere of distrust, more anger and vulnerability.
  • Use calm voice — No raising your voice and dominating the conversation. Do not attempt to control by out-shouting or making more noise to drive home a point.
  • Name it to tame it — Always acknowledge the other’s basic feelings. For example, “I understand you are feeling frustrated right now, and I am glad you shared that.”

In the end of a fight or conflict, the ultimate goals is for individuals involved to come away feeling respected, understood and committed to change some behavior that may be irritating or difficult for another to accept. Compromise is always a win-win resolution to conflict.

With some or all of these guidelines in place, conflicts will become less destructive and with more constructive expression of anger.

Michigan State University Extension offers RELAX: Alternative to Anger throughout the state as well as other great education programming for parents, caregivers and adults working with teens. Go to http://msue.anr.msu.edu for more information.

This article was published by Michigan State University Extension. For more information, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu. To have a digest of information delivered straight to your email inbox, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu/newsletters. To contact an expert in your area, visit http://expert.msue.msu.edu, or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).

Sportsmanship: Make it a measurement of character

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By Terry Clark-Jones, Michigan State University Extension

 

Sportsmanship is a way of life. What type of role model are you?

 

We usually think of sports as a way to teach kids various physical skills, but youth sports can offer many more learning experiences. There is a lot of research and writing concerning performance but there is very little on the impact around the social, emotional, intellectual, and moral impact of participants according to the Josephson Institute of Ethics. Children learn behavior from the adults most important to them. Those important people could be the parent, a teacher, coaches or a good friend. Regardless, it is important that adults model appropriate ways of being a good competitor and spectator.

 

Sports are a major social forces that shape the quality and character of American culture. It is an opportunity to teach kids how to handle themselves positively in difficult situations. Below are examples of how grownups can teach a child (and maybe some adults) to be a generous competitor, a good loser, and a graceful winner.

  • Teach sportsmanship — Require participants to demonstrate sportsmanship before, during and after a competitive event. This can be accomplished by following rules, being honest and fair, showing respect, being well-mannered, and accepting outcomes gracefully.
  • Applaud your children — Be sure to express your appreciation to the children, the other club/group, officials and others you wish to show respect. Examples of this are to accept the ruling of the officials, congratulate all participants, remain positive at all times, and be cheerful and friendly.
  • Show respect to others — Don’t heckle, boo, make rude and sarcastic comments or insult other spectators, competitors, coaches or officials. Try to keep emotions under control and give others the benefit of the doubt. Again show respect and please refrain from public arguments.
  • Be a polite participant — Listen, act interested, and remain quiet when participants are introduced or when announcements are made. Stay until the end of the event, even if your child is finished competing. By doing this you are being a positive role model and showing integrity. Be objective and accept the nature of competition.
  • Show Courtesy to others — Do not block the view of others when taking pictures or videos, standing in aisles, or by jumping and standing up in moments of excitement. Always leave the viewing area clean by throwing away any litter.

By practicing the above examples, any event can be a pleasurable activity for all involved. Most importantly you will become a positive role model for the youth around you!

 

Michigan State University Extension offers a multitude of classes and resources on stress and anger manage, parenting, conflict resolution and violence prevention.

 

This article was published by Michigan State University Extension. For more information, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu. To have a digest of information delivered straight to your email inbox, visit http://www.msue.msu.edu/newsletters. To contact an expert in your area, visit http://expert.msue.msu.edu, or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).